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[treadingdawn]

Is everyone safe now?

off network || thoughts || writing
Blair and Lancelot have left.

Eustace has been gone. He wasn't that terrible.

Edmund still hasn't returned to us.

What this means I cannot really say. Is it selfish to want him back? He has a responsibility where he is, as I have a responsibility at home. Even if time has stopped for us there are still things left unfinished. I still want to visit their world. Is it foolish to think this is where I may live a brief lifetime? I have mere weeks to decide my feelings on the matter, if a decision is to be made at all. That is being presumptuous. I should try to visit people. That is being cautious out of fear.

I should ask him.

private handwritten list
Zach
Claire
Karolina
Camelot and Will
Tybalt
Eden*
Luna
The Tianzi
Romeo
Rin
Charles
Blair ?
Dr. Cameron*
Salamander
Shadow
Bree
Pevensies

Comments

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[adamantined]

Have you ever had conversations with people that you don't want to have but know that you have to have, even if they make things worse?

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

Yes. Why?

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[adamantined]

That pretty much describes the situation I'm in with both of them right now.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

Did something happen?

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[adamantined]

Something is always happening. But I mean, you saw the truth curse thing.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

I did. I'm sorry, Claire.

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[adamantined]

I feel like I'm letting him down all the time, you know?

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

You aren't. He loves you, I think you know that.

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[adamantined]

I wish he didn't. If I could take it back, I would. I've only ever gotten him hurt in the past, and I'm just going to keep hurting him.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

You can't wish away something he chooses to do. Whatever happens between you, he still finds you worth caring for and I know it's the other way around too.

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[adamantined]

It's just so selfish.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

It's a little selfish for both of you. What kind of friendship doesn't have that?

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[adamantined]

One that isn't going to outlive itself.

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[adamantined]

Sorry, I'm just being whiny.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

Are you afraid to leave him alone?

Don't be sorry for how you feel, Claire.

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[adamantined]

I already left him alone. I can't be afraid of something that I've already done.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

Then you're afraid it will happen again?

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[adamantined]

It's just...

I feel guilty for leaving him at home, and I feel guilty for always saying that I'll find him some day when I know that I won't. Because he's too much of a liability and it's not safe for him to be in the situations that I've been in. And I can't stand the thought of watching him die someday. I'm never going to die, and it's selfish to try and push him away because I don't want to deal with it.

So there it is.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

You asked me about my faith earlier. I have to have faith in the best because I know I won't have all the answers and I know I won't make everyone happy. I have to have faith because I know I am not perfect and I will never do everything the most ideal way. I need to believe even if things are out of my control, things will turn out all right.

People can endure alone but they would be fools not to indulge in the opportunity to spend time together when they can.

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[adamantined]

But doesn't it just seem pointless to you? And if it's not hopeless then isn't it just... putting yourself in too much misery? To watch the people you love die right in front of you.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

No. Creating memories isn't pointless and it isn't hopeless either. Whatever happens, memories may be all that I have left of you, of Zach, of this place. That is my hand in guiding my own destiny. Those imprints are mine and no one else's, no one can destroy the very last things I have left of the people I care about, even if I cannot hold those things in my hands.

People will come and go, Claire, and that is why I choose to savor every moment I have with them. I am afraid and I hate to mourn, but they make me happy.

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[adamantined]

I'm glad that they do.

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[treadingdawn.livejournal.com]

I just think you should do the same, Claire. I mean, do what makes you happy.

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[adamantined]

I don't have the luxury of doing what makes me happy right now but I'll try it out.